Birthday Boy

 

Last weekend we celebrated my little boy's seventh birthday. I can't believe he's seven! I think he will always be my baby. I love when he comes and snuggles under my chin and he still has a sweet voice that reminds me of when he was a toddler. Being my youngest and last baby, I think his birthdays are always bittersweet; just a reminder of how long it's been since I birthed a child.

His birth was such a transformative experience. Birthing him at home, in my own bed, almost entirely unassisted (our midwife arrived 10 minutes before his arrival) made me feel so powerful. I don't think I realized what my body was really capable of until I surrendered to the experience and trusted my body. Raising a child with special needs has also taught me strength I didn't know I had. I once wallowed in the idea that my child would be handicapped by a motor processing disorder. I often blamed myself though Apraxia in children doesn't have a single known cause. Again, once I trusted in my child to succeed and I turned from a worrier to an advocate, those years of Apraxia treatment became transformative. 

He makes me so proud. He's so sweet and kind. When we play games together, even if it isn't a cooperative game, he tries to help out others so there are no "losers". He's silly and wild. Sometimes I have to remind myself that his boundless energy is a good thing. Though he struggles with language arts, he has a very scientifically inclined mind. He absorbs facts about nature and animals and will teach me things I've completely forgotten or sometimes even things I never knew. I love him endlessly.

A Decade

 

 

It's been a decade of motherhood, a decade of challenges and a decade of love. She came into the world on a rainy February night and changed my life. She wasn't an easy baby; she struggled to sleep (still does), had an diagnosed lip tie that made nursing miserable, she repeated got croup. But she was a wonderful toddler. She developed her language skills early so she was always chattering away (again, still does this) and she loved to sing songs. She developed her love of nature young. Teachers continue to tell me they are amazed at her extensive knowledge of the natural world. She feels deeply connected to the natural and magical worlds. 

I love that even though she is very tall for her age, she's still got her childhood innocence. She feels things very deeply and can struggle with managing all those feelings but I think she will be an empathetic adult. 

She loves to read and was delighted by the bag full of Magic Treehouse books her grandparents gifted her. She loves to create things. She got a sewing machine for Christmas and has been making small pillows for all her friends ever since. She also got a needle felting kit for her birthday that she's excited to dive into. 

She's a wonderful friend and student. She makes friends with ease and delights in showing them she cares. She has a curious mind and a good heart. We are so similar and butt heads a lot but we love each other deeply. She spent much of her first year of life snuggled up against my heart and a decade later I can still feel her there. 

Happiest Birthday my sweet A!

Childhood Apraxia of Speech

 About a year after I stopped writing here some concerns popped up with F. At his two year well visit our doctor expressed concern that he wasn’t developing speech as expected. By age 2 the guidelines are for children to have about 20 words, even if they are only understood by their parents. F had 3 and I was one of the few who could determine whether he was saying “da” for Dad or “duh” for dog. And we also noticed he could not purse his lips to blow out a candle or blow bubbles. It was time to seek early intervention.

I must say that the speech language pathologists we met were all wonderful. They were very patient with a frustrated little boy and worried mama. Regardless of diagnosis, early and intensive speech therapy has been shown to have excellent outcomes for most children with a speech language disorder. 

This is when I discovered the incredible misunderstanding of politicians and health officials when it came to early intervention. We live in Canada where we pay into a universal healthcare plan. At the time we paid $150 per month to be covered. This is supposed to include services like early intervention and speech therapy. However, Island Health only receives a fraction of the funds required to provide this service. Not enough SLPs are employed to meet the needs of the community and as a result the clients in the programs are not receiving critical care. Children with speech language disorders are generally recommended to attend speech therapy at least twice a week. We received one appointment every few months. It was unbelievable. The delay in receiving treatment could mean the difference between communicating at the same level as their peers or requiring assistance for the rest of their lives.

At age 3, we were given a diagnosis of Childhood Apraxia of Speech for F. CAS is a motor planning disorder. It means his brain knows what it wants and needs to do to produce speech but somewhere along the line the message gets confused and the muscles don’t work as planned. Children with CAS have no problem with intelligence. They simply cannot get the messages to the muscles they need to communicate.

Treatment for Childhood Apraxia of Speech is intense speech therapy so F saw a SLP three to two times a week. As government supplied therapy could not meet his needs we sought out private therapy. We experienced a lot of tears and a lot of triumphs. After many years and lots of hard work by F he was able to build the neural pathways required to speak at the same level as his peers.

He is not cured by any means, it is a life long condition. As he grows and his vocabulary expands, learning to pronounce new words will be a continued challenge. But I know he has the will rise to every challenge.

Below are some pictures of F in his therapy sessions. Look at the pride on his face. Being understood meant so much for him. I know he had so much to share and as he gained the skills to share his thoughts he (and I as well) was filled with joy. 

Just the Girls

 

Today was a chance for us girls to spend a little time together in nature. We took Lulu for a little hike while we watched for mushrooms, fat robins and hidden rocks (more on that later). It's not often that A and I get to do things just on our own. She's become so clever and she's so talkative. If you ever wonder what's on her mind she will gladly tell you. She wears her heart on her sleeve just like her mother. As she's getting into the double digits I need to remind myself that no matter how mature she may seem she is still a child and needs nurturing. I must make time for things like this more often.

First Tooth Lost

I was not prepared for A to start losing teeth this early. When she came to me to show off her wiggly tooth I was in denial. But sure enough, two weeks later out it came. I wish I was more prepared though. I wanted to make it so much more magical for her. I had plans to make a special Tooth Fairy box but A told me her tooth didn't need a box, it only goes under her pillow. So that's where the Tooth Fairy found it. A was thrilled with her special surprise from her fairy friend.

A Family Bed

I think I always knew I wanted to share my bed with my children. When I was pregnant with A we bought a side-car cosleeper and never used it. I took her into my bed and it just worked. Sure, we are tired but our children are young. They don't sleep through the night but as I am learning, they aren't supposed to. I sleep better when I can open one eye and see that my child is safely snoozing at my side. A does sleep in her own bed now but as soon as she wakes up she comes into the family bed. We often take our time in the morning. We snuggle, we talk about our plans for the day, F usually nurses. It's our safe place, it's comfort.

I've recently been handed down a brightly-colored beautiful quilt made by my Great-Aunt made almost 50 years ago. It makes me cheery every time I lay it on my bed. When I was making things for A's nursery (that we never used) I was given a lovely hand painted piece of fabric from my aunt. I turned it into a star scene pillow that I still use. I've surrounded the bed with a few special things. We all love the gentle light of our Himalayan salt lamp. When I was pregnant with F, I struggled to sleep well. I started dreading the night. I found a beautiful, nature-inspired dreamcatcher. In the summer, I love how the feathers lightly float in the breeze from the open window. I've slept better since hanging it. The last touch that brings me such joy are prints by Nikki McClure.  They remind me of my favorite moments of motherhood. Days get stressful but there are moments that I would never trade for all the riches in the world.

His First and My Last

This post is almost a month late! How the time flies. Mr. F turned one last month. He is my last baby so it was a bittersweet day for me. The last first birthday. We all had the flu on his actual birthday so it was a very low key day. F and I spent most of his birthday in the very bed he was born in. I tried to take the time to reflect on all the changes of the past year. How much A has grown up, all the milestones F has seen, how our family has grown and changed. I can't imagine life without this little boy.

Although he isn't walking yet, he is fast! He can find trouble in the blink of an eye. He loves baths but not public pools. He likes to rip the leaves off almost any plant he can find. He loves dogs and cats; he will point to a dog when we are out for a walk and shout "Da!". He does not like to sit still so stories are not popular with this boy. He does like music though (especially if he can clap along with it). He adores his big sister. He likes to wear hats (or more specifically put a hat on, take it off, put it on, take it off) and play dress up with his sister. He loves swings and going for walks.

He is happy and healthy and I couldn't be happier. His laugh fills my heart to the brim with love and I can't not smile when he cracks his toothy grin. I'm so blessed to be his mom. My life is better with him in it. Happy First Birthday my last and wonderful baby.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas out there. Lets take this day to remember what an amazing, exhausting and rewarding job this is. Love yourself today; a happy, relaxed mama is the best kind there is.
And let's not forget to love our mamas too. They carried us and brought us into this world. We would not be who we are today with out them.

Co-Sleeping

Co-sleeping was something that I was very much on the fence about. I am a very light sleeper and I wasn't sure that I could have a little person sleeping next to me and still get solid sleep. We had bought an Arms Reach co-sleeper but April just hated it (it's a really firm little bed and I don't think she likes that). In the early days I really just needed to sleep in order to cope with the demands of a little one and since Jon couldn't be around all that much I needed a solution.
Our midwife suggested I just try having her in the bed with me. So I took her into our bed, nursed her on my side and then we both slept for a couple hours. It was great and she has slept with me ever since. I think she is comforted by the smell (she can always smell mama) and the bed is just softer. True, she does make noise while she sleeps and sometimes that keeps me up but for the most part, it works.
Recently the issue with co-sleeping has been that she will roll over to the boob while she is sleeping but can't roll away so she gets her face smooshed. So now I have use some rolled up receiving blankets to keep her on her back.
The unfortunate thing about this whole scenario is that we only have a queen sized bed so Daddy needs to sleep elsewhere if April is in the bed. I hope to have a big king size bed someday but right now our bedroom is just too small. Luckily, right before we had April we bought a lovely new couch with a comfy double size pullout so Daddy can sleep comfortably on his own.
I must say that the benefits of co-sleeping are really apparent. I get much more sleep because I just roll over and nurse her when she needs it then we both go back to sleep and she seems much better at soothing herself back to sleep if she wakes up in our bed instead of on her own. It is also such a joy to wake up and have the first thing you see be your sweet little baby's face.
April does still have a bassinet as well as her floor bed so during the day if she is napping she sleeps somewhere else (usually in the sling but sometimes elsewhere) not in our big bed. I plan to keep the rule as; if Mommy is in the bed you can join her there otherwise you have your own bed. If as she grows up she starts tossing and turning or comes to bed but doesn't sleep then we will have to make other arrangements so that I can get sleep but for now this works best.
Co-sleeping is not for everybody. Although April sleeps well with me in bed with her, having Daddy switch roles would not work as well. Jon sleeps really deeply and doesn't respond as well her to needs (and can sometimes get a little too close). Also if she sleeps with Jon they both tend to get over-heated. So if you plan to co-sleep know what works. Maybe you want to have the baby in bed with you but under there own blanket on there own side or you want your baby to be close but not in the bed. Just try things, you might be surprised by what works.

 April sleeping in our bed at 8 weeks.

The Gift of Breastfeeding

Breast is best. It's true and it is best for more than just sustenance. I knew that I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and breastfeed for as long as possible and I wanted to do it for the benefit of my baby. However, breastfeeding has been such a gift for myself as well. I find it soothing to watch my baby find so much comfort at the breast. I love the intimate connection I feel when I am feeding my child from my own body.
Breastfeeding came easy to us both. April never struggled with latching or getting enough and I have never had a problem with supply or blocked ducts. The only issue that came up was sore nipples in the very beginning but I just grit my teeth and got past it (and occasionally I'm painfully engorged but that is easily remedied by a hungry baby). Sometimes I wonder if breastfeeding had not been so simple for us if we would have the same loving interaction when it comes to nursing.
I strongly believe that everyone woman should breastfeed her baby and if she cannot, seek a source of human breast milk. April has benefited hugely already. She never lost weight (she lost 1/2 oz right after she was born but quickly gained it back) and has consistently put on at least 1 oz per day since her birth. She rarely spits up (which is more common with formula feed babies) and it very well hydrated without supplementing with water (I was formula fed and often needed to be supplemented with water in order to stay hydrated). I suffer hugely with allergies so by breastfeeding exclusively I hope to curb that problem for her. She also hasn't really had much in the way of any illnesses so far. She's had a stuffy nose but that's it. I kind of expected her to get something by now since we frequently ride the bus and spend time in public places with all those coughing and sniffling folk but I believe because she is breastfed she has been able to fend off anything that's come her way so far.
Aside for those health benefits, I think our bond is so much stronger because we nurse. Sometimes if she is upset she doesn't even need to really nurse, I can just put her skin to skin near the breast and she calms down. When she was first born, she nursed skin to skin everytime she needed to eat. I just so love the feeling, I can't put it into words but if you have ever nursed your child you know that feeling.
Cheers to the boob!

April nursing just 4 hours after she was born.

Isolation

People warned me against this but it happened anyways. Just as the fog of the baby blues has begun to lift, a different type of sadness has crept up on me. I'm starting to feel a real sense of sadness about the loneliness and isolation that accompanies new motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I love my new life with April. We have a great time together, she is getting more and more alert so we read together, listen to music together and go for walks together. But an infant can only offer so much. She is great for cuddles and lots of love but not so good at conversation. I miss adult interaction. My husband works 10 hour days so by the time he comes home he wants to shower, eat and go to bed. We don't get much time to really interact.
I was never really a social butterfly. I invest a lot in my friendships so I couldn't really find the time for more than just a couple good friends. I have some good friends with children but their children are older and they are on to different things than new mom type stuff. My other friends just don't seem to understand the exhaustion and frustration that are sometimes a major part of my day-to-day life.
I've tried going out into the world in such of new mommy friends but it's hard to find someone with similar interested. I like to wear my baby, cloth diaper and EC, breastfeed, co-sleep and all those other things that seem to be linked to that "hippie" mom perception. And that turns some people off and to be honest I feel sad hanging out with moms who formula feed, leave their babies in car seats or strollers and let their children "cry-it-out". I went to a couple new mom groups but the moms there were older than me, some were there with their second or third child and I just didn't make any connections.
Now I'm starting to feel the affects of this ongoing isolation. I used to savor my alone time; a bath, a chance to read a book or just fold the laundry in peace. But now that same alone time is just making the loneliness worse. The only thing that keeps me from becoming depressed is that my parents live close and offer some of that adult interaction that I crave. My mom has been awesome and April loves to spend time with her but I need friends to talk to you about things that I don't want to talk to my parents about.
Does this get better? How did other moms out there handle this feeling? How old were your children when you felt the isolation disappear?

April's Birth Story

April's birth certainly did not go the way I had planned and wished for it to go however I still feel it is important for me to put it writing.
Days before real early labor began I started having agonizing back pain. It was so painful I couldn't really sleep. So by the time my contractions were coming every 20 mins early Friday morning, I was so sleep deprived and in so much pain that I couldn't really imagine how I was going to cope. I called the midwife around 9am on Friday and she came to the house and checked me only to find I was only 1 cm dilated. She recommended I take some Tylenol and Gravol and get some sleep. The Tylenol took the edge off the back pain but by the time I was feeling drowsy enough to sleep my contractions had really picked up. I had had a little bit of bloody mucus in the middle of the night but I wouldn't say I had my bloody show until just before lunch on Friday. I decided at that point it was time to call Jon and have him come home and support me. Once he got home around 1pm we lay in bed and had a quick snack. The back pain started picking up again and we moved to using the birth ball. I did really enjoy the relief I got when I lay across the birth ball.
Around 5pm my water broke. It was filled with meconium.  I was so disappointed because I knew that I would have to decide whether to risk it and stay at home or transfer. After my water broke the contractions really picked up so Jon and I hopped in the shower. The heat was soothing but not enough to curb the endless back pain. We stayed in the shower anyways until the hot water ran out. The one coping mechanism that seemed effective in letting go was sound. I was definitely loud but it was the best way for me to release that pain and tension.
Our midwife came around 6:30pm and checked me again. I was only dilated 3 cms but I was contracting every 2-3 minutes. It was really intense because between contractions I didn't feel I had a break due to the horrible back pain. After about a half hour of serious thought and discussion we decided to transfer to the hospital because I just couldn't live with myself if she was born with meconium in her lungs and got sick because we were at home.
The drive to the hospital was awful. I was sprawled over the birth ball in the back seat but the drive is at least 20 minutes and I had a bunch of really intense contractions. Being so limited in movement inside the car meant that my back pain just got worse as we drove. I was also feeling less relaxed and really nervous about the hospital. I'm sure the tension didn't help my pain. I was just praying it would end.
Our hospital room was small and limiting. I was definitely crying as we "set up" the room. I tried using the shower for my back pain (I was actually encouraged by the promise of endless hot water) but every time someone on the floor flushed a toilet the temperature would change. It was hard to relax when the water went from too cold to too hot. I ended up just lying on my side in the bed. I had written up motivating flashcards that I had brought with us and I was trying to read them to stay positive but I couldn't even focus my eyes. I was really struggling.
By this point I just couldn't cope with the back pain. The pain was so intense and so unbearable that I really couldn't feel anything in my abdominal muscles, all I felt was back pain. We tried the laughing gas but I found all it did was make me dozy between contractions instead of helping during contractions. We tried some morphine, which did absolutely nothing for the pain. I'm really surprised that it is even offered for back labor because it was that ineffective. Finally, I was just beside myself. I had not had a break from the pain in almost 24 hours, I had not slept for 3 days, I begged for the epidural.
Getting the epidural took a while but once I got it I felt so good. I tried to sleep but I was really overcome with sadness over the loss of my natural homebirth. I cried for most of the night. I felt that I had completely lost control. However, my midwife helped me feel a bit better about getting the interventions by showing me how April's heart rate didn't change. I was concerned she would be stressed by the drugs but she was strong the whole time. That helped to lessen my guilt but didn't take away my sadness. My midwife and talked for a while and tried to salvage my birth plan and keep some of the things that were important to me (such as low light when she was delivered, let the cord finish pulsing on it's own, skin-to-skin immediately after birth, etc.). Jon, who had been such a patient partner, was grateful for the rest too. Lucky guy got 4 hours of sleep.
Five hours later, I could really feel the pressure in my rectum. I knew she was low, really low. At 4:30 am they told me it was time to wake Jon and push. Pushing was such a release. I thought I wouldn't be able to feel anything or know when to push but I really did. I could feel her moving down and the stretching in my perineum. Getting to the pushing stage is a little strange. I was used to the contractions coming one after the other but I was surprised at how we had to wait for the contraction (sometimes about 5 minutes would pass before I felt another). It took just 30 minutes of pushing and then there she was on my chest.
I was definitely in shock. I didn't believe Jon when he said it was a girl, I couldn't believe how dark her hair was, she was so amazing. She stared at me and I stared back. I loved that moment. We waited for the cord to stop pulsing, then Jon got to cut it. Unfortunately, because of the meconium, the pediatrician took her to the warming table and pumped the meconium out of her stomach. I felt so sad for her, what an awful first experience. But once they were done Jon got to have some skin-to-skin time with her while I delivered the placenta and got stitches (I had 2nd degree tearing so I needed about 6). Finally, I got to feed her and man was she ready. She latched on right away and stayed there for the next 2 hours.
At 7am we got moved to Motherbabe and luckily did not have to share a room. We nursed, snuggled and April slept. I just could not rest in the hospital. People were coming in to drop off food, pick up the trash, check my IV, etc. We decided to stay just long enough for my epidural to wear off and then go home.
It was sad to go home and see my house still all set up for a homebirth but I was so blissful with my new baby that I didn't worry about it too much. I hope that time will ease my disappointment. I do feel that I was present and proactive during my birth. I did what I had to to bring April into this world healthy and safe. In the end I do believe that my birth was exactly as it was meant to be.

The Attitude of Motherhood

As I get deeper and deeper into this mommy world I'm noticing a certain attitude that seems to be running through most circles of moms I encounter. I'm actually quite surprised at how other mothers talk to one and other. I really try to be open-minded and I believe that everyone has the right to feel what they want and express those feelings. I do, however, have a problem with people who express how they feel by tearing down how other feel. Is it really that hard to just say "I understand how you feel but I disagree". Why is it that most of these mothers feel the need to rip apart your choices and tell you why it is so bad and why you must agree with and practice what they say is right for you?
This pattern has become apparent to me especially when it comes to talking about homebirth. I am choosing to have a homebirth. I researched my choices and throughout that process I tried to keep an open mind and ultimately decided that a homebirth is right for me. I'm not saying that I will not transfer if the need presents itself but for a normal birth I want to be in my home. There is a shocking number of mothers who gasp and say "But what about your baby?". Suddenly, I am the mother who doesn't care about her baby and is putting his/her life at risk. They continue to tell me (someone they don't even know) how my home with never be as clean as a hospital and how they could never have done it without the epidural. Then come the horror stories of emergency c-sections and the "thank goodness we were at the hospital" stories. After all this, which I graciously listen to, they say to me "what if that were to happen to you?". I smile and say, "If there is an emergency I have a fully trained midwife who make the call and if we need to transfer we have the ambulance." I think they should be able to feel however they want about hospitals, homebirth and their owns births but the idea that they know me and know what the best choice is, is strange. Did I ask you what your thoughts were? I do have a brain of my very own and I have great practice in using it to make my own choices.
The other place I encounter this attitude is while shopping for baby items. There is always some mother who has all the experience in the world telling me that I simply can not live without a baby swing. Why can't we accept and support each other in the choice that work for us as individuals? I've never had a dad come up to me and tell me I'm buying the wrong brand of diapers. Why do mothers scold each other and judge each other so harshly? I thought being in the mommy world would be comforting and supporting but I'm feeling worn down by all the judgment.
I think it also comes down to what kind of role model you want to be for your children. Do you think that when your child hears you telling another parent "Oh no, you are so wrong! You must do this!" that your kid is learning tolerance and open-mindedness? Would you want your child telling another kid that he is painting his picture wrong and that he should only use the colors that your child likes? I want my child to feel free to be the person they want to be and I want my child to know that others have that right too. I think we all need to take a moment to think before we speak. Think about how what you will say will be perceived and who is listening.
I'm terrified of what I might be like in a couple of year. Maybe it's because I don't have my baby here yet? Will I be like this after the birth? Ok blog world, if I become a judgmental know-it-all please bring me back to reality!